In Soviet Union, eternal life and time travel are the same as here, but entirely different. We have managed to source this ancient Eastern secret of preservature. Endorsed by the Gun Jesus himself, this wonderful all-in-one and one-in-all solution is available only from Varusteleka. Very limited batch, get yours now or die later.

A true wonder solution against aging

Nature has dictated that every thing will age and degrade in the course of time. But have you ever wondered how Lenin still looks so young? How the MIR station held up as long as it did (it's probably still kept somewhere)? How Putin never seems to age? How Donald Trump has kept his hair so perky? How Ian McCollum of the Forgotten Weapons apparently fought in the Finnish Winter & Continuation War in 1939-1945 but doesn't look a day older today? That's right, it's Cosmoline "Smazka GOI-54p", the Soviet solution to stop aging immediately and zoom into the future the natural way, without any time lapse trickery or hypersleep! Bury your Mosin rifle deep into the ground, wrap it up in paper and cosmoline and it will be there to greet the future archeologists in the same condition you left it there - or better! Smear your cheeks with it and feel the rejuvenating ancient energy flowing through, shielding you from aging! Your significant other will thank you.

Not only that, as Cosmoline has a ton of everyday applications as well! Stuffed to ears it effectively blocks noise and unlike earplugs it really contours to the cavity of your ears. Or how about spicing up that intimate business too? While Cosmoline indeed lubricates, it also retains just the right amount of friction for maximum pleasure. When you get up, straighten out your messy hair with this same stuff - in fact, guess what the hair styling secret of these guys is!

Removing cosmoline?

Need to remove the applied Cosmoline for some reason? No problem - Cosmoline is quickly & easily removed from any surface with just excessive heat or direct fire.

Finnish handcraft

This magical solution is dug out from an ancient sealed old rusty Soviet bucket of Cosmoline (with its inner surface of course being *perfectly* preserved) and is processed into 80 ml tins by hand by our artesan craftsmen. In reality the tins are 100 ml in volume but since these are hand-packed they have some... tolerance regarding the amount of contents, so we figured you'll get at least 80 ml.

Disclaimer

When using Cosmoline Varusteleka does not take responsibility for:

• Skin cancer
• Various other skin diseases and/or rash
• Jungle rot
• Sexually transmitted diseases
• Headache
• Digestive problems
• Hallucinations
• Nightmares
• Excessive sweating
• Tremors
• Erectile dysfunction
• Loss of appetite
• Loss of hair
• Loss of limbs
• Loss of eyesight
• Loss of other senses
• Psychedelia
• Tingling sensation in the armpit area
• Boils around genitalia
• Manic thoughts
• Suicidal thoughts
• Yellowing of the skin
• Sudden death

In case we were misunderstood, here are the real contents & disclaimers: Contains at least 80 ml of mineral oil based Soviet factory grease (like vaseline). Do no eat, do not get this in your eyes. Although this isn't really hazardous to skin, we recommend using protective gloves. We do not sell this as any actual skin care product, it is only meant for preserving metal objects.

Officially this is basic preservation and lubrication grease of the lowest hazard class. For those who only take in real information: GOST 3276-89.